|| Ouran High School Host Club Badfics ||

[I think I need a pint or two of brain bleach.]

2007-03-08T20:32:49Z

Badfic Rating: 1
The Host Club disapproves of out-of-character badsex.

Warning! This fanfiction is rated NC-17.

Story: Alone With You
~~Culprit~~ Author: Alvinna

This sporking is dedicated to the Kaoru to my Hikaru. :D

THE CRIMES:

* First of all, has the author even seen/read the introduction of Renge? I think it's pretty clear that Hunny's being innocent and cute isn't an act - he really is just that adorable. He is not a sexual kind of character, much less a sex addict.

* I don't know about the other Ouran fans, but I don't see Mori and Hunny's relationship as sexual... at all, really. I also think that neither of them are the type to up and decide to have sex one night, randomly.

* Spell-check is your friend.

* Listen, ficcers. If you absolutely must use fangirl Japanese, could you at least spell it correctly? "Dasuki" is not a word. Then again, this ficcer can't even spell the character's names right sometimes, so...

* The sex scenes are... well, saying "out of character" would be redundant at this point (because there isn't really anything in this fic that's in character). They're very basic, in a sort of by-the-book yaoi way - they turn Mori into an (apparently experienced) seme, and Hunny into the stereotypical uke-who-never-feels-pain-during-sex. How fun... except not.

THE FIC:

Morizuka Takashi, third year senior, had a problem. [Bad at math?] A problem that he couldn’t fight himself out of as he was used to. The problem in question was a 4 feet 9 inches blond boy who was currently scoffing down a very large amount of chocolate cake with whipped cream. [Wait, so he's.. what? What is he doing with that cake? I.. I am so confused.] It wasn’t the chocolate cake that was the problem; it was the way that the lolita-shota [Okay, seriously? That's not a real term. Either way, if you're going to use it as it is in the show, it's Loli-Shota.] boy was eating it. A very pink tongue was slowly licking away the frosting from the dessert fork and occasionally he would scoop up some of the cream with one finger and joyfully suck it up. [... *headdesk*]

Mori[no]zuka Takashi a.k.a. Mori-sempai had a big problem and he was certain it was starting to show, in a rapid change of his face colour. [Dude, you're in the middle of the Host Club. What the hell.] The young ladies that were gathered around them always found Hani[no]zuka Mits[u]kuni mostly called Hunny-sempai, childish way of eating incredibly cute. [Sentence makes no sense. Plz dstry.] Mori-sempai thought of it in a very different way.

He didn’t know when he developed this kind of feelings toward his younger looking master and friend. He always had an urge to protect the boy but this, this was something ells. [Ella Enchanted?] It was people with feelings like this he was suppose to protect Mitsukuni from.

A high pitch squeal snapped him out of his thought. Five pair of heart shaped eyes was glued to the sweet loving boy who desperately tried to lick away a dab of whipped cream stuck on his nose. Mori-sempai quickly rose and made his exit, ignoring the other host club members’ surprised comments.

In the safety of a locked toilet booth (that mostly resembled a separate bathroom) he smashed as fist in the wall, cracking the Greek mosaic. The pain helped a bit but the thoughts were still there. [*ahem* "But the ugly marks are worth the momentary gain..." */emo!music*] The thoughts of a certain blonds’ mouth doing something very different from eating cake, though the cream could still come to use. [*dies a little inside*] He shook his head and rammed his fist into the wall again, making the mosaic fly. [*cough* "You might say it's self-destructive..."] No! He was a trained kendo warrior, like the samurais [The plural of samurai is samurai.] of old he was suppose to sustain this kind of temptations. [Actually, I'm pretty sure that resist is the word you're looking for.] Taking a deep breath he decided to return to the third music room. [To traumatize Hunny further.]

Twin? I want my innocence back.

[....oh, my.]

2007-03-08T04:43:52Z

Badfic Rating: 1
The Host Club has no tolerance for copy cats.

The Fic: I Just Wanted a Place to Study!
The ~~Culprit~~ Author: HogwartsShinobi

THE SUE:

Full Name (plus titles if any): Nako Myuki (I'm not sure how this author thought that was a name. Nako Myuki sounds like a brand of things for making sushi that might be sold in cheap grocery stores.)
Full Species(es): Canon-shattering Clone!Sue
Hair Color (include adjectives): "...shoulder blade-width jet black hair fall out." I don't know why her hair has a width. I don't really want to.
Eye Color (include adjectives): All I know is that they're glittery, apparently.
Unusual Markings/Colorations: There's practically no description in this fic, so I really wouldn't know.
Special Possessions (if any): A yellow hat, and the tiny shards of what used to be Ouran canon.

Annoying Origin: Unknown, except that her mother was a doctor, which is why she wants to become one. Wow, that reminds me of someone! I wonder who it could be?
Annoying Connections To Canon Characters: Bumped into Haruhi outside of the Third Music Room, circa episode one. Ends up best buddies with Haruhi, a host (like Haruhi), and essentially steals the spotlight from Haruhi in every situation - as, like a good clone, she must participate in half of every situation Haruhi got into (she has to pay half the vase's cost, she has to get half of the designations as a host, and so on). In that vein, she develops similar relationships to the other characters as Haruhi.
Annoying Special Abilities: Apparently one of the two smartest kids in the school - along with Haruhi. Also a scholarship student. Just. Like. Haruhi.
Other Annoying Traits: Carbon copy of Haruhi - literally. Exactly like her, goes through all of the same things she does... in other words, wish fulfillment for the fangirl who wants to be in her favorite anime.

THE FIC:

Haruhi opened a door to another loud reading room. The girl sighed, quietly closing it and leaving. She slowly walked down the halls of Ouran High School searching for a peacful study place, like she had been doing all day. Haruhi, lost in thought, travelled up the stairs subconsciously. Suddenly she tripped over something, landing with an 'oof'.

"Mah! Gomen nasai!" Haruhi apologized hastly to the boy. She looked at him, picking up his books. Then, she did a double take. The 'boy's' hat fell off, letting shoulder blade-width jet black hair fall out. The person scrabbled for the yellow cap, stuffing her hair inside. Haruhi stared at her, "G-Gomen, I thought you were a b-" The girl put a finger up to Haruhi's lips. [Oh noes, another girl who looks like a boy in Ouran fic. I'm starting to wonder if there's some kind of disease going around that blocks development in Ouran's girls.]

"Please don't tell anyone sir, I just- I just want a place study without anyone bothering me!" She whispered, taking her hand away from her. Haruhi smiled, "You're [she is what?] secret's safe with me, I promise."

"Arigato, oh, my name's Myuki," [I'm already tired of the fangirlish Japanese.]

"Haruhi," She replied, pupils glittering.

Myuki tilted her head, "You have pretty eyes...For a...Guy..."

Myuki's lightbulb clicked.

"So...What are you doing up here? It's pretty deserted," Myuki said as they continued to walk. Haruhi shrugged, "Im not sure. Im new here and like you, Im trying to study quietly. This place is quite noisy."

Myuki laughed, "Hai, Ourain High is full of rich snobs. Say, we're in the same classes, ne?"

"I think so...Are you a noble student?"

Myuki sighed, "Yeah, my family owns Nako Industries."

"The furniture company?"

"Yup. Guess Im a snob too!"

The girls laughed, continuing down the hall. After a moment, Haruhi stopped, staring at the doves tht fluttered by. Myuki stopped as well. She glanced from the sky to the girl.

"...Is something wrong Haruhi?"

The bookworm blinked, "Oh, n-no, just thinking."

"Okay. Hey I wonder where that door leads to!" Myuki exclaimed pointing to a door. Haruhi read the sign above.

"The Third Music Room. Wouldn't it be a little noisy too?"

Myuki shrugged, placing an ear against it, "I don't seem to hear anything. Maybe it's not being used!"

"Okay,"

They both put a hand on either knob. They exchanged glances before slowly turning it...

"Welcome!"

Haruhi raised a brow while Myuki blew a few stray rose petals out of her face.

"Ouran Private Academy is defined by...One, prestigious families, and two, wealth. And prosperous people have much time on their hands. Therefore, this Ouran Host Club is about...This handsome guys that have time...Giving hospitality to these lovly ladies who also have time, and profit off of them. It's an elegant game unique to this super-rich school." [...wasn't this a voice-over, or in the manga, a narrative part? Not actually part of the dialogue?]

The girls backed up against the door, "Ho-Ho-Host Club??"

Karou and Hikaru exchanged similuar glances, "They're guys?"

"Hikaru and Karou, you two are in the same classes as these two, right?" The one with glasses questioned.

Click!

"Yeah, but the one on the left doesn't go well with others, and the one on the right is too quiet. So...We don't know!" the replied in unison.

The teen with the glasses smirked, "Welcome to the Host Club, special students."

Suddenly a blonde teen popped up infront of the girls, "Huh? So they're the exceptional special students that passed the test, Fujioka Haruhi and Nako Myuki?" [*growls*]

Haruhi glanced over at Myuki, "She said her family was rich..." Suddenly, okay nothing's been suddenly anymore, let's just say stuff clicks, "Why do you know my name?"

"This is a school for rich family commoners don't get in quite easily..." [Seriously, now, that sentence? I have no idea what it's saying.] Myuki explained, eyes shaded by her yellow cap.

"Hai, that's correct! Even though you two are the smartest at Ouran, you're also the poorest!"

Myuki and Haruhi sweat dropped. "You're so...Nice..." Myuki mumbled.

"All hail poverty and welcome to our elegant world of pauper!" [Again, I simply have no idea.] The blonde exclaimed, flowers spread across everywhere.

Myuki pushed the roses out of the screens frame, "Stop doing that!" Haruhi took her chance and left for the door

"Myu-Chan! [I can't help thinking it must be pronounced like "mew". Which is.. slightly disturbing.] Haru-Chan! Hey, are you two heroes?? So awesome!" A little boy exclaimed, clamping onto their arms.

"We're special students not heroes."

"...WHO ARE YOU CALLING CHAN?!" The two girls shouted.

The taller blonde popped up, "I didn't expect the two bookworms to be gay...Are you lovers?"

"N-NANI?!"

"Ahh...Just friends...So then what type do you fancy?" The blonde came up to the two, "The wild type? The loli-shota type? The little devil type? The cool type?"

The girls backed up, "N-No-!"

"What the hell?! We were just looking for a place to study!"

The blonde brushed his fingers pasted ["My fingers are pasted on."]either of the two's face, "Or, how about try me? Wanna go?"

"NYA?!" [Myu's cousin, perhaps.] The girls jumped back. Haruhi suddenly tripped, taking Myuki's arm she pulled her along too, sending them into the a vase stand. Myuki and Haruhi gasped, groping for it not to fall, but to no provail it shatter against the orange tile.

Myuki's forehead turned blue, [That seems like a deeper problem than the money thing - maybe she should see a doctor?] "The-The eight-million yen vase!"

Haruhi's eyes widened at Myuki, "EIGHT MILLION-YEN?!" The girl nervously counted her fingers. Myuki got up, brushing herself off, "I can't even pay for one of your freaking uniforms! How can I afford that?!"

"What should we do, Tamaki?" The two turned to the blonde teen. He sat on a chair, crossing his legs he ponted an acussing finger, "When in Rome, do as the Romans do! If you don't have any money then work it off. Starting today you two are the Host Club's dog!"

...Woof Woof! [Someone's been watching the anime a bit too much.]

"Captured and made into slaves..." The two fell over.

This was going to be an interesting year...

Please excuse me while I go cry in the corner for a while.

Oh, my poor sanity...

2007-03-08T03:04:23Z

Badfic Rating: 3
Tamaki does not Approve.

Story Or Series Title: The Start of a New Club
Fandom: Ouran High School Host Club
~~Culprit~~ Author's Name: XxFallOutBoyxX

Full Name (plus titles if any): Misou Ryuusei (the author evidently felt it necessary to inform us that it means "Unknown Star" - the sporker would like to inform you that Ryuusei is not a name)
Full Species(es): Clone.
Hair Color (include adjectives): "..his short brown hair was slightly flowing back do to the small breeze as he walked."
Eye Color (include adjectives): "He looked out the window with unforgettable multi-colored eyes; it was a strange birth defect he obtained when he was born, something that could have killed him even at birth. His right eye was a gorgeous emerald green while the other was a dark purple, both equally attractive." In other words, "OMGZ ANGST + HAWT IY COLRZ YEY."
Unusual Markings/Colorations: See above. Oh, right, and looks almost identical to Haruhi, apparently.
Special Possessions (if any): Haruhi's identity, the balls of every member of the Ouran High School Host Club.

Annoying Origin: Not yet mentioned in the fic - thankfully. Apparently a middle-class kid without a lot of money.
Annoying Connections To Canon Characters: Childhood friend of Haruhi's.
Annoying Special Abilities: Apparently she has the power to be instantly loved by everyone in the Host Club, despite only having ever met one of them (Haruhi) before.
Other Annoying Traits: Develops a mutual crush (!) on Kaoru within the first two chapters, is instantly taken in by the twins and is as close to them as if they had known each other all their lives (ew).

OTHER SUES: Akatsuki-chan; Uruik (no, I don't have any idea, either). Neither are in the story long enough (as yet) to know much about them, except that Akatsuki-chan has a bizarre non-name (that has me having flashbacks to Naruto) just like Ryuusei, and is an abusive b*tch who will, nevertheless, steal the heart of at least on Host. Naturally. And Uruik has evidently naturally purple hair.

Please include a small sample of the worst of this story:

Seven boys said, they were dressed up like animals. Two were identical twins. They had orange hair and orange eyes, both were wearing black cat costumes, one had his hair parted to the left, while the other had his hair parted to the right. Another was a blonde guy; he was dressed up in a pet store owner attire, he stood in the middle of the group. Then there was a short boy, he was dressed up like a little bunny, two pink floppy ears coming from his also blonde hair. And yet another, who had dark hair and glasses, slightly smiling, he was a moose, something that Ryuusei found rather hysterical, especially the two fake antlers that came from his head. Then there was a guy that held the bunny boy on his shoulders, he was dressed up as a black rat, which seemed to suit him perfectly. In the middle sat another guy in a chair. He wore brown dog ears and a brown attire; this also included a brown dog tail. Ryuusei recognized the boy dressed up as the dog immediately.

“H-Haruhi?” He asked quickly.“Ryuusei!?” She said quickly
“You know each other?” They all asked and pulled him in, throwing him onto the chair.
“How do you know him?” They all continued. [By being a terrible Sue, of course.]
“She’s been my friend since we were born but, why are you here?”
“She?” The tall blonde asked. “What do you mean she?”
“She’s a girl…” [...of course. Ouranfic just wouldn't be complete without a Haruhi clone.]

They all blinked and looked semi-puzzled. [as opposed to looking puzzled.]

“So she’s like Haruhi basically” the rat said. [Well, that's the premise of this fic, more or less]
Haruhi nodded and looked at Ryuusei to continue with what she was going to say.
“Well, some kid in my last school cut a huge chunk of hair off in my dorm…I had to get my hair cut and my parents wanted me to change schools...” Ryuusei muttered.
“That’s why your hairs short?”
“Pretty much…what happened to you though! Where’d all your hair go?”
“Some kid put gum in it the first day of school but, I’ve grown to like it.”

The two looked at each other and laughed. The two twins from earlier came up from behind. [...which twins? *dry*]

“So you two are old friends?” They both asked, Ryuusei looked back at them.
“Of course…” The newbie was suddenly attacked by the kid in the bunny costume.
“Ha-ru-chan! Introduce us!” He said childishly.

Ryuusei looked at him and smiled.

[cut for completely OOC decision to dress up the clone and subsequent dressing sequence]

“So, Ryuusei, why did you suddenly transfer to Ouran High?” One girl asked out of the two that were with them. [Because she had nothing better to do.]
“I was always teased at my other school,” She started simply and went to take a bit of her cake, when out of nowhere Kaoru took her wrist and ate half the cake off the fork, Hikaru grabbed her waist and she was between the two. [Yeah, 'coz that's in character.]

This is what Haruhi-chan ment then…

Ryuusei thought and smirked eating the rest of the cake on her fork. [Fun with disjointed sentences!]

“If you wanted some you could have just asked.” She said innocently and in a calm and cute way. She put some more on her fork and fed it to Kaoru. He ate it pleasingly and the girls squealed.
“You’re so cute when you feed me…” Kaoru said softly and held her up by her chin as she fed him another bite, which only made the girls love it even more. [*tears hair out*]

Tamaki blinked. “AH! WHAT ARE THEY DOING TO MY DAUGHTER?” [Kill me. Please?] He snapped, he was standing next to Kyouya who was on his computer. He ran to the corner and sulked like usual. Haruhi just sighed.

And, a bonus!

The author asked the reviewers to submit ~~Mary Sues~~ OCs of their own for inclusion in the story.

Look, it's that Akatsuki-chan chick!

Name: Nakashima, Akatsuki (Aka-chan) [That. Is not. A. NAME.]
Name Meaning: Akatsuki= dawn, daybreak [Also, a group in Naruto.]
Crush: doesn't exactly have one, but might work with Mori or Kyouya [because it's inconcievable that anyone in fanfiction would be single]
Age: eh...let's go with 2nd year
Gender: girl [...no comment.]
Club: I'm thinking, taken on as photographer for Host Club so they have some semi-decent merchandise to sell...more profits $.$ ['Coz Kyouya can't handle that well enough on his own, is that it?]
Eyes: fond of pure black myself... [There's no such thing as pure black eyes.]
Hair: red? black? you pick XD [Indecisive!Sue]
Personality: relatively quiet...doesn't put up with a lot of nonsense...crafty and slightly manipulative [In the fic, this manifests as Teh Uberbitch.]
Outside Story: She's not insanely rich, just barely pays for Ouran. [For a school for the rich, this place sure has a lot of poor/middle-or-lower class kids] After realizing that the Host Club made all its money from crummy items and pics, [the items aren't really that bad. Kyouya isn't stupid, you know - it's quality work.] the "artist" in her demanded that she make sure that girls at least bought their money's worth. [She's such a philanthropist.] So she offered her services, and, after a trial run, was accepted as the official photographer/video-documenter for the Host Club. [At this point, why do they still insist that the Host Club is made up of guys? I mean, in canon they've got Haruhi and Renge-chan... and in fanfiction, every girl and her sister have joined...]
Other: Her blank stare, sometimes a death stare, can really freak people out. ["Stop that, you look like a fish. Blink, woman!"] Think of someone who alternates between Haruhi-moments, Hunny-moments, Mori-moments, Kyouya-moments, and even a few Hitachiin-moments. ^-^ Scary... [In other words... a mix of almost all the cast. Congratulations, Sue.]

Name: Miku Hareigawa [I'm not sure, but Hareigawa sounds like something the girl just made up 'coz it sounds Japanese. I mean, it doesn't look like any Japanese surname I've ever come across.]
Name Meaning (if there is one): n/a [Nice change.]
Crush (if there is one): Hikaru (or Kyouya if you chose to make the fic HikaruxHaruhi) [*grumble*]
Age: 16
Gender: female
Club (if there is one): Singing/Choir Club
Eyes: Grey-blue
Hair: Orange, shoulder length, with side-swept bangs parted over her right eye. [No. More. CLONES. Gah!]
Personality: Crazy, outgoing and loud are a few words that would describe Miku. She likes to stand-out and be different from others, and definately isn't afraid of what anyone says or thinks about her. She's not afraid to fight and defend her beliefs, or someone she cares about. She's a very playful person, but she also has quite the temper which she tries to control but it doesn't exactly work out all that well.
Despite her playful and crazy nature, she is quite intelligent, though she doesn't act it very often and jumps right into situations rather than thinking things through. [It's impetuous!Sue. Last time I saw one of these was the Fruits Basket fandom. They're sneaky little buggers.]
Outside Story: She has a twin sister, Misa, who is attending school in England. Her and her sister are very close, always seen together, [I'm finding myself strikingly reminded of another pair of twins. What were their names? ...Hikaru and Kaoru, right?] and they both share a particular dislike for their parents Matsu and Reikari. Their parents live together for the sake of the twins, even though they absolutely hate eachother and argue constantly. [Oh, boo-hoo.] Miku and her sister are in training to inherit their father's company, Hareigawa Inc. a very prominent gaming company.
Other: Miku loves games, any kind, from video-board games to even playing mind-game/tricks on other people. She also likes to wear lolita-type outfits a lot when she's not wearing her school uniform, which she absolutely hates by the way. She also wears a grey beanie-type kitty hat with black tipped cat ears, all the time. [Ahem. HITACHIIN CLONE. *weeps*]